I Am the Darkness of Winter

This was written for Carry on Tuesday. I do not write poetry, so please read with grace.

I Am the Darkness of Winter

In the darkness of winter, my heart is matched.

My hope of safe haven,
snuffed out like daylight.

My dream of knowing and being known,
frozen immobile like empty tree limbs.

The warmth in my heart frosted over,
covered by imperceptibly beautiful flakes.

In the darkness of winter, my soul goes to sleep.

Life once exciting my heart,
slumbers, asleep to what could have been.

Worn down and balled up,
hiding from harsh elements.

The time feels right to hibernate the longings of my heart,
to let them be sheltered from all.

The Thursday Meme

Tiny Dreams

Photo courtesy of Missrockstarr

Giving into the moment, I let my head fall back, wanting the sun to soothe my face. Sparkling grains of sand, whisk through the salty air before gently resting in my long hair. When the sandshower stops, afraid of stragglers, I barely peek out one eye. The graceful woman standing over me winks, as she takes a breath to shower me again with glitter. Anticipation quickens my heart and I squeeze my eyes closed tightly. Miniature fireworks flutter down on my face and hair. Each one that lands, stings my skin with hope and promise. Each grain of sand, magically illuminated by the sun, holds a tiny dream. Tiny dreams mom dreamt for me. Laughter in unfunny times. Joy beyond explanation. Being known and loved. Knowing. Loving. Depth in character. Boldness to dream. Courage to live dreams.

Alive with stinging, belief and promise give rise to my soul. My body jumps up, eager to return the blessing. Mom knows the beauty I received and sits to exchange the gift. The sand feels soft as velvet when I cup my hands to own it. As the giver of blessing, the sting of wonderment is replaced with the soothing caresses of knowing. Preparing to rain down my love, I slowly inhale, taking in all that’s wrong, to release what is clean, pure, and innocent. The specks of sand take flight in the wind whipping on the beach. I’m mesmerized by the elegance of glowing wishes. The anticipation in giving is even more exciting than the anticipation of receiving.

Velvet Verbosity 100 Word Challenge- SPLIT

I miss terribly, the community I find in Velvet Verbosity's 100 word challenge. I was able to find time this week to join them, and the word is SPLIT.

Bridal Shower

Baptist guilt kept my head bowed, but curiosity freed my eyes. Through dangling hair, I peered women of all ages, backgrounds, and temperaments, circled around a young lady fidgeting with the diamond ring encompassing her finger. One by one the women spoke, blessing the girl with heartfelt prayer. Busyness, sex, in laws, children… each one more challenging than the last, and each one generously covered in prayer.

Who knew relationships such as these existed? Had loving women stepped into my engagement, would I still have suffered the split I’ve come to know?

I love these women, for loving this bride.

Parenting is Hard but Kids are Good

Over the past several weeks, there has been tension growing between a family member and myself regarding Elizabeth’s bossiness. The rest of us let her say her piece and ignore it, but being told what to do by a three year old is a problem for this person. After hearing her complain about it behind my back (within ear shot) several times, I confronted her. The general message was that this person does not believe I am teaching Elizabeth to respect adults and that the place of children in an adult world, is to be second.

I struggle with this because I talk to Elizabeth about respect quite a bit. Mostly I use it to describe how we should pray, but also as the reason she needs to listen to me. I choose not to fight a lot of battles in front of other people b/c it usually turns into quite an ordeal. A simple correction often leads to her defiant refusal, and then 30 minutes of trying to get her to comply with a 3 minute time out. I don’t want to be judged, I don’t want people to see how she really behaves, and I don’t want to spend my social time that way. But to others, apparently, it looks like I do not parent. Regardless, it was very hurtful to hear her criticism.

Elizabeth, who is three years old and still in the time of “upee”, “cuppy,” “chippy,” and “no-ee,” overheard me telling Tia that this person said I am not teaching Elizabeth respect.

Not as absorbed in her own world as I had hoped, Elizabeth said, “Me? You don’t teach me?”

“Yes,” I said, feeling regretful I let her overhear my conversation.

Very articulately, she stated as if everyone should know, “You teach me all the time!”

Her response was better than anything anyone could have said at that moment. I do teach her all the time. I teach her letters and numbers and spelling and animals and respect and obedience and self-control and patience and all the things I think I should be teaching her. I am not perfect. Not even close. But I invest myself in Elizabeth.

And she sees it :)

Velvet Verbosity 100 Word Challenge-Starved

The Art of Being Human

Starved-The state of being deprived from nourishment required to allow one to grow and thrive; perishing from lack of sustenance.

Desperate-The state of being overwhelmed with one’s own needs or desires, to the extent our judgment becomes impaired; hope is lost.

Longing-An intense emotional craving or desire for something perceived as good.

Human-The art of balancing starvation, desperation, and longing, with infinite opportunities to create the deception of filling each void.

Faith-Humbly trusting that God knows our pain, is pained by our pain, and will use our pain for something glorious and infinitely more good, than our pain is bad.

Hello Blog

I've been wanting to post so my blog wouldn't feel abandoned, and I found some inspiration today. (Yes, I know how serious my people-pleasing is when I'm worried about the feelings of my blog.)
I've had trouble finding the endurance to write much that matters, but I think I can tell you a funny story...

I was lucky enough to be able to attend my favorite zumba class today. I was also lucky enough to have some time to journal this morning, and because I didn't want to stop, arrived late to zumba. The class was so full I had to stand directly next to the teacher, and when I looked in the mirror to figure out where all the new people came from, I noticed a bunch of guys. Not just regular guys, but big, ripped, trainer guys. The first few songs I paid them no mind and dug into perfecting my zumba technique, with little success. Finally, after hearing the class repeatedly laugh at the men, I turned to the girls behind me and said, "I missed the joke, did they lose a bet or something?"

The girls informed me that one of the members in our class had lost 160 pounds and all the trainers were participating in Zumba today in her honor. Aaahhh! That opened my eyes to the fact that there were at least 7 trainers in the class, and none of them knew what they were doing. Over the next couple songs I watched closer and realized there were several hilarious and interesting things going on. Such as:

1. A "cool girl" trainer with no rhythm, trying to get it right and still look cool
2. A trainer I had previously known to be very thin, who had gained weight and was "going after it." What an inspiration!
3. A big meathead, trying to respect the class and honestly attempt to Zumba
4. A small guy who seemed to have a sensitive side. He was obviously very uncomfortable with his performance. And for good reason. I have never seen someone so incapable of dancing. When the rest of the men bailed before the last song, he stayed but looked over his shoulder for them the entire song. I made sure to congratulate him on sticking it out.
5. A girl trainer that got it
6. An average/big guy with lots of tattoos mocking the entire process, and having a blast
7. Another average guy, giving it his all. And by that, I mean, he was trying to do everything the teacher did, the way the teacher did it. Girly technique and all.

All the while, there was a 60something woman, quite overweight, right in the middle of all the trainers, teasing, poking, and presumably talking about them while she danced zumba and talked on her cell phone. It was like her own personal strip club!

I have never had so much fun in Zumba and grieve that Amy Ruth and Brandy missed this precious experience!

Velvet Verbosity 100 Words-AMPLE

This is my take on the word AMPLE, offered by Velvet Verbosity, and inspired by my beautiful sister, Nicole.

Not Ample, More Than Ample

Not ample friends visit my home
More than ample critique visits my work
Not ample time visits my schedule
More than ample food visits my body
Not ample money visits my account
More than ample stress visits my job
Not ample boyfriends visit my house
More than ample confusion visits my head
Not ample encouragement visit my heart
More than ample drinks visit my lips
Not ample laughter visits my belly
More than ample junk visits my inbox
Not ample quiet visits my day
More than ample demands visit my list
Not ample improvements visit this world
Enough is enough.